On the Practice of Law
I was working on a contract - eyes glued to the monitor, right hand holding a cup of coffee, left hand twiddling my pen - when I realized something:
I just don't love law anymore.
Now, I have to be specific. Legal theory is great. Knowing the law, how one provision intersects with another (especially in cases where they really shouldn’t), how a single word can change the entire meaning of a statute, how it applies to one case but not another—it’s like a puzzle, and I’m all here for it.
It’s just... the practice of law - the mud work, the actual exercise of doing the law - is exhausting. I know it comes with the job, just as coders don’t spend all their time creating but also debugging, or how chefs cook the food themselves and not just dream up new recipes. But I don’t know, man. I just feel like there’s something more for me out there than... this.
I know part of it stems from my mental illness. But should I always blame my head for every problem I encounter? My current psychiatrist asked me point-blank why I’ve had five jobs, yet never stayed longer than two years. Is it that I don’t like my work because I’m tired and mentally broken, or am I tired and mentally broken because I’ve lost the spark for this kind of work?
A friend of mine, facing the same dilemma, recently moved to another country and changed careers. When I asked how she was doing, she said she’s doing well - and though her mental health issues remain, they’ve greatly eased since she left. She said, and I paraphrase:
Which brings us back to the coping mechanism part. You won’t like this, but the thing that worked best for me was leaving everything that triggered me. Goodbye. Psychologists tell you to deal with and process your triggers. But how can I do that when I’m exposed to them every day and don’t have the mental capacity or space to process everything? I just had to pack up and go. I needed space. I needed to escape the triggers.
I hope I can be as brave as she is someday. It might not be in the form of moving countries (though I want to), but definitely a career break. I’ve always wanted to go into STEM...